Climbing stuff; some useful, some possibly life threatening you read it at your own risk, contributed by a group of UK based climbers.
Young, old, competent, incompetent truthful and outright liars we are a true reflection of the UK climbing scene. A few of us can actually climb. One or two of us just like to hang out at the bottom of a crag and tie on occasionally, which is OK but it’s not really climbing. If you want to learn to climb this is definitely not the site for you. Go somewhere else,
Glenmore Lodge or Plas y Brenin should get you sorted. This is just stuff that some enthusiasts, nothing more nothing less, have put on-line for you to enjoy. Anything you copy off this site could lead to your death so you have been warned
Tristan: A.K.A. Tris
Tris used to be known as Gene Simmons and he sang in a band called Kiss. However when the band discovered he was in fact a French climber (a very good one) called Tristan, they kicked him out. He has put his singing career on hold while he pursues his climbing but he still enjoys the odd yodel.
Marina: A.K.A. ooh! ooh! shorthand for Hooking, an ice climbing term, not the American sense of the word.
Marina is another top French climber, that makes two, who knew they had so many? A five star person who is not only a great human being but has the distinct advantage over her compatriot that she likes Black Bomber Cheese, that makes her very special.
Debbie: A.K.A: Demon Deb
Definitely the better looking of all of the fools but the reason she is on this site is her ATTITUDE! Yes she has lots of that and a hugely generous spirit, she loves to sprinkle expensive gear around the crags. Wait till she has to buy her own.
Peter A.K.A. Ming the climbing Viking. A distinctly average climber who has managed, over the years, to get a lot done. Also quite handy with a sword.
Clive A.K.A. Gecko or the Turpinator. Due to an abundance of microscopic hairs on each fingertip that act when pressed against virtually any substance, with the exception of highly polished limestone, like super sticky suction pads. This gives him climbing ability that is not available to mere mortals. He literally sticks like S….!
Darren A.K.A. Blind Pew. There were some other robust epithets but this name came about because of his astonishing and quite scary lack of ability to spot gear placements when surrounded by cracks, spikes, flakes and all the other features that older climbers choose to use. That’s how they get to be old. Protection blindness does decrease with experience, he is not alone.
Delusional Dave A.K.A. Mossstop. A term that came about as a result of frequent toilet stops on the hill. We had to keep stopping for Mossy so a ‘poo stop’ became a ‘Mossstop’ which in turn became his moniker. It is now in common usage within the climbing and hill walking fraternity and is defined in the latest edition of the OED. It has no bearing upon his climbing ability which is non existent. Although rumour has it that since he ditched the beard he has achieved an on sight of a Diff.
Chris A.K.A. Just Resting, how can anyone be called ‘just resting’. Well Chris is a very experienced and cunning climber. In order to disguise his many deficiencies, mainly he is a terrible climber, he has a strategy that works wonders when he is seconding routes. He never, never ever, asks for a tight rope, instead he waits for the rope to come snug and then he gently slumps his weight onto it whilst calling out, “just resting” This implies that he can climb the route – he nearly always does – but he is having a rest not a fall. A brilliant strategy that means he has never failed on any route ever. This puts him amongst the top percentile of climbers and explains why he was once mistaken for another climber called Chris, Sir Chris that is, although he only enjoyed the adulation for about four minutes when the deluded waitress was put straight be a proper climber.